Says Who??

Verstehen, through shared perspectives

FEAR

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I admitted to no fears.

I depended only on myself; trusted only myself.

It may have been said about me that

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

But I was no fool—or so I thought.

 

I did not expect much from life

So when abundance of life was given to me

I was deliriously happy, savoring each day

And each moment.

Until that became more and more difficult to do.

 

Described by one as “rabidly independent,”

I did not have to risk facing the pain that others suffered:

…abandonment

…betrayal

…loss (if it can’t be replaced, I probably don’t need it)

Even though practicing this meant giving up intimacy, trust and companionship.

 

I justified elimination of those elements by telling myself

I had already suffered these, and survived.

I don’t have to do this again.

I can live without them.

I am not afraid.

 

And then I experienced FEAR.  I was afraid.

Deeply, paralyzingly, mind-numbingly afraid.

The deepest betrayal of all had happened

And allowed fear into my life.

I had been betrayed by my own body, my own mind.

 

I could no longer take care of myself.

My mind no longer submitted to my bidding, my body knew nothing but pain.

I prayed for death, but it did not come.

I would not implement my own demise–

Not out of courage, but out of fear.

Not fear of death, but fear of coming face to face with a

Creator who had not summoned me, had not released me

From realizing my worst fears.

 

For it was now that I learned that I was not fearless at all,

I had simply managed to avoid those things I feared.

Now that Fear had been allowed

I found myself trembling with all kinds of fears.

 

Almost daily I had to face things I had never consciously feared before,

But now I did fear them.

Regularly, I was challenged by fear of things I had heretofore managed to avoid

So as not to admit my fears.

But I no longer trusted myself.

 

Friends stood by me, encouraged me, cared for me.

Physicians patiently addressed my symptoms, diseases and pain

Until I began a long journey back to manageable pain, manageable chronic illness.

My body restored to a state with which I could cope,

My mind began to function again.

 

I dared to share my fears with another, who touched my heart with care and said

Don’t fret. It will be OK.

I dared to believe.

I dared to trust.

 

I have today, and I can deal with it.

I am not dominated by fear of tomorrow, just as I truly have never feared death.

It is inevitable. It just is.

I will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Author: profemjay

I am a retired Professor of Sociology with interests in the Sociology of Medicine, Political Sociology, the Sociology of Development, Social Action and the Sociology of Religion.

2 thoughts on “FEAR

  1. Daily bread.

    Sent from my iPhone

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Imagine in the next second you will be peacefully dead. Since you will be alive in that second, strive to be comfortable in that second. The rest of your life is only a second long.

    Like

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