I admitted to no fears.
I depended only on myself; trusted only myself.
It may have been said about me that
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
But I was no fool—or so I thought.
I did not expect much from life
So when abundance of life was given to me
I was deliriously happy, savoring each day
And each moment.
Until that became more and more difficult to do.
Described by one as “rabidly independent,”
I did not have to risk facing the pain that others suffered:
…loss (if it can’t be replaced, I probably don’t need it)
Even though practicing this meant giving up intimacy, trust and companionship.
I justified elimination of those elements by telling myself
I had already suffered these, and survived.
I don’t have to do this again.
I can live without them.
I am not afraid.
And then I experienced FEAR. I was afraid.
Deeply, paralyzingly, mind-numbingly afraid.
The deepest betrayal of all had happened
And allowed fear into my life.
I had been betrayed by my own body, my own mind.
I could no longer take care of myself.
My mind no longer submitted to my bidding, my body knew nothing but pain.
I prayed for death, but it did not come.
I would not implement my own demise–
Not out of courage, but out of fear.
Not fear of death, but fear of coming face to face with a
Creator who had not summoned me, had not released me
From realizing my worst fears.
For it was now that I learned that I was not fearless at all,
I had simply managed to avoid those things I feared.
Now that Fear had been allowed
I found myself trembling with all kinds of fears.
Almost daily I had to face things I had never consciously feared before,
But now I did fear them.
Regularly, I was challenged by fear of things I had heretofore managed to avoid
So as not to admit my fears.
But I no longer trusted myself.
Friends stood by me, encouraged me, cared for me.
Physicians patiently addressed my symptoms, diseases and pain
Until I began a long journey back to manageable pain, manageable chronic illness.
My body restored to a state with which I could cope,
My mind began to function again.
I dared to share my fears with another, who touched my heart with care and said
Don’t fret. It will be OK.
I dared to believe.
I dared to trust.
I have today, and I can deal with it.
I am not dominated by fear of tomorrow, just as I truly have never feared death.
It is inevitable. It just is.
I will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.
Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.