What a week it has been! Of course, seen in the broader contexts of the divisive national environment, natural disasters, global political and social issues, my own problems are barely a speck of dust on the scoreboard of the Universe. Nevertheless, they have soul-shaking impact on my personal world. As they say, major life events tend to occur in triplicate, and so it has been for me. Ending what had been an important and life-affirming relationship now turned toxic; having to give up working with a community group that was very important to me; and finally having a corporate relationship severed without warning—all within three days—pushed my stress and grief levels to what felt like lifetime highs.
During the two dark and stormy days when life outside my windows seemed to echo the gloom and chaos within, I minimized my contacts with the outside world as much as possible. Perhaps not the best possible choice, given the inborn need for social reassurances and support that my sociological training might have suggested, but my awareness of a profound need not to allow my anger (part of the normal grief progression) somehow become part of the greater anger and hate of our environment informed that choice. My grief, especially for our nation, was already great. This added grief seemed unbearable, even mind-destroying.
Fortunately, I am an introvert. Isolation can be, and often is, healing for me. Having already spent the previous weekend enjoying a get together with friends, followed by spending the rest of the weekend in meditation and soothing music (including instrumental Christmas music!), I believed that I could achieve some balance in my life while at the same time honoring the pain and grief within. It worked, then.
Therefore, I returned to the soothing music and meditation, while experiencing the storm outside merging with the storms within. This time, meditation was wordless and almost without thought. I allowed the storms to purge the anger, and wash away the losses. For two days, while gloomy skies prevailed, the storms raged and abated until all was still and the snow gently falling outside revealed its beauty and peace to support cessation of the chaos within. Not that grief had passed, but now it had stopped owning me. I accepted that entire chapters of my life have been closed.
Because I still live, this, by default, means that a new chapter is beginning. At the present time I have no clue what that will be, nor am I ready to begin it. I need a period of healing, first. I plan to protect myself as much as possible from the outside influences that disturb my soul until I am ready to begin choosing my battles once more; until I can safely allow my rage against injustice to serve appropriate action without being destructive. I am not that strong just yet, but I will be.
I awoke this morning to bright sunshine and beauty outside my windows, and I drank it in though my eyes to the brightening of my very soul. Life is indeed about pain and loss, but it is also about beauty and opportunity if I allow it to be. When I open myself to observe and take all that is good within me, and refuse to succumb to the domination of hatred, I know I will be ready to deal with the world once more.