Says Who??

Verstehen, through shared perspectives


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FEAR

I admitted to no fears.

I depended only on myself; trusted only myself.

It may have been said about me that

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

But I was no fool—or so I thought.

 

I did not expect much from life

So when abundance of life was given to me

I was deliriously happy, savoring each day

And each moment.

Until that became more and more difficult to do.

 

Described by one as “rabidly independent,”

I did not have to risk facing the pain that others suffered:

…abandonment

…betrayal

…loss (if it can’t be replaced, I probably don’t need it)

Even though practicing this meant giving up intimacy, trust and companionship.

 

I justified elimination of those elements by telling myself

I had already suffered these, and survived.

I don’t have to do this again.

I can live without them.

I am not afraid.

 

And then I experienced FEAR.  I was afraid.

Deeply, paralyzingly, mind-numbingly afraid.

The deepest betrayal of all had happened

And allowed fear into my life.

I had been betrayed by my own body, my own mind.

 

I could no longer take care of myself.

My mind no longer submitted to my bidding, my body knew nothing but pain.

I prayed for death, but it did not come.

I would not implement my own demise–

Not out of courage, but out of fear.

Not fear of death, but fear of coming face to face with a

Creator who had not summoned me, had not released me

From realizing my worst fears.

 

For it was now that I learned that I was not fearless at all,

I had simply managed to avoid those things I feared.

Now that Fear had been allowed

I found myself trembling with all kinds of fears.

 

Almost daily I had to face things I had never consciously feared before,

But now I did fear them.

Regularly, I was challenged by fear of things I had heretofore managed to avoid

So as not to admit my fears.

But I no longer trusted myself.

 

Friends stood by me, encouraged me, cared for me.

Physicians patiently addressed my symptoms, diseases and pain

Until I began a long journey back to manageable pain, manageable chronic illness.

My body restored to a state with which I could cope,

My mind began to function again.

 

I dared to share my fears with another, who touched my heart with care and said

Don’t fret. It will be OK.

I dared to believe.

I dared to trust.

 

I have today, and I can deal with it.

I am not dominated by fear of tomorrow, just as I truly have never feared death.

It is inevitable. It just is.

I will deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.